


Memento Mori | Memento Viviere

by xingqiu_enthusiast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Divorce, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Tsukishima Kei, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukishima Kei-centric, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27542899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xingqiu_enthusiast/pseuds/xingqiu_enthusiast
Summary: Tsukishima's mental health completely crumbles in one day and Yamaguchi tries to help.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Memento Mori | Memento Viviere

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story popped into my head in the middle of the night and I felt the need to write it. A lot of the things in here are based on my own experiences and I just kinda dumped it all on Tsukishima. It's probably because I relate to him a lot. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> WARNING! This has depictions and references to suicide. Please keep that in mind.

The phrase Memento Mori has always stuck in the back of his mind.

_Remember that you must die ___

____

Most people find this fact depressing, but Tsukishima finds peace within it. Everyone dies, it's something everyone has in common. Instead of fearing death, Tsukishima has come to accept it. Why fear something inevitable?

____

Tsukishima guesses that he has always been a bit different from everyone else. He doesn't understand why people try so hard at pointless things. All of the other members of the Karasuno team are trying so hard. Even Yamaguchi is putting his all into it. None of this is going to matter. Still, even if he's different from the people around him, he's going to die when his time comes and so will everyone else.

____

His parents think that he's depressed, but Tsukishima disagrees. Just because he isn't outwardly happy all the time doesn't mean that he's depressed. Just because he never leaves his room and listens to sad music all the time doesn't mean that he's depressed. Just because he thinks about death more often than an average teen doesn't mean that he's depressed. He's perfectly fine, thank you.

____

Going to school every day is a chore. Somehow everyone there manages to annoy him, except Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi has been his friend for forever and he's really grateful for him. He makes every day so much easier. If he wasn't there Tsukishima wouldn't know what to do.

____

Sometimes Tsukishima questions if the feelings he has for Yamaguchi are more than just friendship, but that can't be it. Tsukishima is not gay and he definitely doesn't think that Yamaguchi's freckles are adorable and that he wouldn't mind kissing him one day. That's just regular friendship, right? Everyone has those thoughts, it's just part of being a teenager.

____

The day Tsukishima's world collapses is the same day that Yamaguchi doesn't show up for school. His day is already off to a bad start. He tries to avoid everyone all day as he tries to survive his classes. During lunch, he texts Yamaguchi.

____

Tsukishima: why aren't you in school

____

Yamaguchi:ah sorry tsukki~  
Yamaguchi: I came down with something and didn't think that I would be able to go to school.  
Yamaguchi: I should be fine tomorrow tho 

____

Tsukishima: Ok.  
Tsukishima: ill bring you the notes after school  
Tsukishima: see you later

____

After hearing the school bell ring, Tsukishima lets out a sigh. Normally, he would go to volleyball practice with Yamaguchi, but seeing that he isn't here Tsukishima decides to skip. Why should he care? It's just volleyball. He never cared for it so why should he now.

____

Instead of going straight to Yamaguchi's house, he decides to go to his home first. Not sure why but he felt the need to. When he walked into the house he felt like something was off. The pit in his stomach just grew larger when he saw his family sitting in the living room with grim looks on their faces.

____

"Kei, come sit," his mother said. Slowly, he sat down. His hand started to sweat and his heartbeat sped up. He had no clue what was about to be said, but he knew it wouldn't be good.

____

"Now that we're all here, your dad and I have something to tell you," His mom said," I know that this is all very sudden but we are getting a divorce."

____

_what ___

______ _ _

"We just don't love each other anymore and we can't ignore it anymore."

______ _ _

_no ___

________ _ _ _ _

"This is a decision we both made so please do not blame your father."

________ _ _ _ _

_nononononono ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I know this is hard to take in, but this has to be done."

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_this cannot be happening ___

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"This can't be happening!" Akiteru yelling snaps Kei out of his thoughts. He has to say something, but what? All of Kei's emotions have gone numb from the shock. All he can muster to say is a small

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Ok"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"That's all you can say? Our parents are divorcing and all you can say is 'ok'? God, sometimes I wonder if you can even feel emotions. You're like a robot! Or is it that you think that you're so high and mighty that this doesn't matter? Do you think that you're above this?" Akiteru yells. Kei is taken aback, words want to spill out but none of them fit. The silence is deafening, it makes him feel sick. Akiteru's face quickly switches from rage to one of regret. Kei knows that he didn't mean it, but those words cut through his soul. He's starting to feel sick, he needs to get away from here.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't me-" Akiteru tries to say.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I'm going to Yamaguchi's house," Kei interrupts.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After a short walk Kei is at Yamaguchi's house. Kei rings Yamaguchi's doorbell and Yamaguchi opens the door

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hi, Tsukki!... Are you okay?" Yamaguchi asked when he saw the state Tsukishima was in. Before Tsukishima even noticed he had salty tear scrolling down his cheeks. The sheer amount of emotions he was feeling made him collapse onto Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi didn't hesitate to catch him and pull him into a tight hug comforting him the best way he can. Even though Tsukishima was considerably taller than Yamaguchi he felt so, so, so, small in Yamaguchi's arms. They stayed like that in the doorway for a couple of minutes. Yamaguchi spoke up.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Do you want to into my room, Tsukki?" He asked, his voice so gentle and caring. Tsukishima couldn't find it in him to respond with words, fearing that he would burst into tears again. Instead, he just nods and that seems to be enough for Yamaguchi.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

When they get to Yamaguchi's room, Tsukishima collapses onto his bed. Yamaguchi sits next to him and gently pets Tsukishima's hair, trying to provide some comfort while the other thinks. He knows that emotions can be hard to process for Tsukishima and that rushing him won't do any good. So, he'll just wait until Tsukishima is ready. After Tsukishima got everything sorted in his head he spoke.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I... um... my parents, they are uh getting a divorce, and Akiteru didn't react well to that. He said some, um, upsetting stuff. I know that he didn't mean it but it still hurts, you know?" Tsukishima feels two arms wrap around him and Yamaguchi says

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I am so sorry that happened, I wish I was there with you. Tsukki, you know that you're allowed to be upset about this. You're allowed to feel upset about the divorce and about what Akiteru said. You don't have to tell me what he said but if it hurt you, intentional or not, it matters. I really care about you and I'm so happy that you talked to me. You can stay overnight if you want."

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No thank you, I want to talk to Akiteru and smooth things out. Here are the notes from today, see you tomorrow." Tsukishima lied, he was going anywhere but home. He just isn't ready yet. He could stay overnight, but he's already been a huge burden on Yamaguchi today.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"ah okay. Before you go, I just want to say again how happy I am that you told me this. See you tomorrow Tsukki!" Yamaguchi said with such an adorable smile that Tsukishima almost decided to stay, but he couldn't. He doesn't want to annoy Yamaguchi with his emotions anymore.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He left Yamaguchi's house and wandered the neighborhood until he found a bench. He started to reflect on his life and how he ended up here. He didn't understand why he had such a breakdown when he got to Yamaguchi's house. Tsukishima liked to keep all of his emotions in boxes in the back of his mind to never be opened, but today all of them broke free for Yamaguchi to witness. Maybe Yamaguchi's presence was the reason for that. Tsukishima felt an unknown emotion around Yamaguchi that won't go away no matter how hard he tries. For years he thought it was just friendship, but that doesn't fit. He can only conclude that its love.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The vibration in his pocket interrupted his thought process. Daichi had texted him.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Daichi: I saw that you didn't show up for practice today.  
Daichi: That's the 3rd time. If you keep doing that we'll have no choice but to bench you  
Daichi: and if it still doesn't get better we might have to kick you off the team.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Tsukishima: ok, ill keep it in mind.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Why does he feel so upset, it's just a club. He never cared before, but why does he now. Why, why, why?

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

God, he just can't anymore. The divorce, Akiteru yelling at him, figuring out that he's gay, and the possibility of getting kicked off the team. All of that is too much. Why did this all happen today? He can't handle it anymore. This is the tipping point.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He walked and walked until he reached a bridge. He knew that what he was planning to do was irrational, but Tsukishima decided that being irrational sometimes is okay. If he was actually about to end his life he should at least call Yamaguchi and say goodbye.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hi, Yamaguchi."

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hi Tsukki, are you okay?" Yamaguchi said over the phone.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yamaguchi, have you ever thought about death?"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Um no, is everything alright? Where are you?"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I'm just by some bridge, but that doesn't matter. Do you know what Memento Mori means?"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hold on, I'm gonna come over there! Don't do anything!"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It means 'remember you must die'. That phrase has always stuck in the back of my mind. Everyone dies. You're going to die someday, my dad is going to die eventually, everyone at Karasuno is going to die, and I think I'm going to die today."

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh my god, please don't do this. Please, hold on until I get there!'

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I love you, Yamaguchi. Goodbye"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"TSUKKI WAI-"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Tsukishima hung up.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He stood behind the railing. Looking down was rushing water. He had a lot of time to rethink this, but his mind was so tired of thinking all the time. He just wanted to do something without overthinking it, just do what his body tells him to do. As he started stepping over the railing he heard someone yell.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"TSUKKI DON'T! I LOVE YOU TOO SO PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
